By Kelly Rausch

I found a startling article on msnbc.com last month citing multiple studies indicating that watching television is actually, (gasp!), bad for you in numerous and highly varied ways. TV is going to make your bones brittle and weak, make you a suckier parent, encourage your alcoholism and kill you. Happy viewing, boys and girls!

In the face of these hateful attacks, someone’s got to stand up for television. These assaults on my beloved pastime need to be disproven, or at the very least, refuted with circumstantial personal evidence.

To start, Circulation, the journal of the American Heart Association published a report indicating every hour you spend in front of the tube increases your risk of heart disease regardless of what kind of demanding workout routine and healthy diet you have when you’re not watching TV. A study from Australia found that for every hour spent watching TV your chances of dying from any cause go up 11 percent.

I’m still alive and I watch as much if not more TV than anyone I know, so clearly this research is just a bunch of scare tactics being promoted by Australian anti-television groups (perhaps Australian radio is funding these so-called “studies”?). And I would argue that the more TV a person watches, the less likely they are to die as a result of all kinds of things such as bear attacks, car accidents, exposure to the elements and unexpected heart failure at mile 18 of the New York City Marathon. In fact, staying snug in your recliner, sheltered from the dangerous outside world seems a very safe place to be.

The study goes on to specifically pinpoint increases in the likelihood of dying from cancer and cardiovascular disease (9 percent and 18 percent, respectively) for every hour spent watching TV. Easy solution? Park yourself on an exercise bike (recumbent, of course) while you watch your favorite shows. If all the physical fitness you participate in while not watching TV makes no difference, perhaps incorporating the two activities will prevent you from kicking the bucket (or, perhaps more realistically, just delay it a little bit).

Another team of researchers found that if you put people in a “bar-like setting,” those watching programs prominently featuring alcohol consumed 1.5 more glasses of beer or wine than people watching programs where alcohol was less prominent.

Like every middle-aged woman who tells you how drinking red wine is actually good for you (as she tips back her fourth glass), I’ve got to point out that other research has shown that moderate alcohol consumption can actually benefit your health. But if you’re really worried about becoming a drunk because you watch TV, why not limit your viewership to times when you’re not in a “bar-like setting”? I mean, really. This seems pretty easy to avoid.

Studies published in the Journal of Pediatrics show that TV can be especially menacing to kids. The more TV kids watch, the less bone mass they acquire. Apparently this is a bad thing that will cause the kids to become a bunch of rickety, brittle-boned adults.

I’m not a big proponent of sitting kids in front of the TV. Similar to some parents’ refusal to baptize their young children into any religion, I think kids should find their own television calling later in adolescence after they’ve had a chance to live a little and see what all is out there. Couch Potato-ism isn’t for everybody, and it most certainly shouldn’t be forced on anyone too young to make the decision for him or herself. Give your kids some milk and shove them out the door to play – they’ve got plenty of time to be lazy on the couch when they’re adults.

But even if your kids aren’t paying attention to the television, if you’re watching it then chances are you’re ignoring your children. Parents spend about 20 percent less time talking to their children when the TV is on. And during the time when the adults could be bothered to pay attention to their kids, the interactions were less active and responsive.

I would argue that kids need to learn to be more independent. Babies are so needy, but what do you expect when people are always coddling them? OK, so maybe you want to spend time with your children and/or the courts are saying you can’t lock them in a separate room all day. That’s why we have digital video recorders and early bedtimes. Just record what you want to watch and save it for when your kid’s in bed. Problem solved.

Good reader, don’t let the hate-mongering anti-TV hoards brainwash you into thinking you can’t watch television without dying or irreparably harming your kids. Television can be a wonderful thing, but it comes with certain responsibilities. Don’t take it for granted!